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So I got the craziest e mail this morning
我今天收到了一封超牛叉的邮件
I don't mean to burst your bubble dude
哥们儿 不是我要泼你冷水
but those penile enlargement pills do not work
但那些阴茎增大丸真心不管用啊
Believe me I know
相信我 我懂的
The e mail I got was from the office of Stephen Hawking
那封邮件是来自史蒂芬·霍金的办公室
You're kidding Why
-不可能吧 -为啥
He's coming to the university for a couple weeks to lecture
他要来我们学校讲几周的课
and he's looking for an engineer to help maintain
所以想找个工程师来帮他
the equipment on his wheelchair
维护轮椅上的设备
That's amazing
太赞了
You'll be like his pit crew
你就是他的赛车维修员啊
A word of caution I would not do
提醒你一下 我可不会
your Stephen Hawking impression in front of him
在他面前模仿他说话
You're right
你说得对
I suppose that could be considered offensive
我觉得这么做是挺没礼貌的
Boy Sheldon's going to freak out
伙计 谢尔顿会疯掉的
Yeah he worships Hawking
是啊 他特别崇拜霍金
I was actually thinking about bringing him along
我其实有考虑带他过去
when I go over there so he can meet the great man
好让他见见自己的偶像
That's really nice of you Howard
你真是个大善人啊 霍华德
It's no big deal
举手之劳啦
Boy a restraining order from Stephen Hawking
天啊 霍金也会去申请一张限制令的吧
美国漫画大师 作品包括《蜘蛛侠》《神奇四侠》等
三人依次为《星际迷航》史波克扮演者、著名天文学家
It'll look so nice next to the ones he's already got
加上莱纳德·尼莫伊 卡尔·萨根
from Leonard Nimoy Carl Sagan and Stan Lee
和斯坦·李对他的限制令 硕果累累呀
Leonard do you recall when I said
莱纳德 你还记得有一次我说
that I was going to revolutionize humanity's understanding
我将彻底改变人们对希格斯玻色子的理解
of the Higgs boson particle and you said
然后你说
"Sheldon it's 2 00 a m get out of my bedroom"
"谢尔顿 现在是凌晨两点 滚出我的卧室"吗
Like it was ten hours ago
不就是今天凌晨吗
What about it
怎么了
Well I believe I've done it
我觉得我成功了
And I'm only saying "believe" to sound modest
我说"我觉得"只是为表谦虚
because sweet Sam Houston I did it
因为 感谢上帝 我成功了
Really That's incredible Oh here
-真的假的 -太牛了 给
Break out the math
式子列给我们看看
Oh okay let me see this
行 我看看
All right so this particle here
看 这个粒子
is the boson moving forward in time
是随时间演化的玻色子
Now I was thinking
我之前考虑的是...
Howard you go ahead and eat
霍华德 你就先吃吧
This isn't going to make any sense to you
你肯定一点儿都听不懂
Sheldon I have a working understanding of physics
谢尔顿 我对物理还是懂不少的
Yeah good for you and don't stop working on it
是吗 很好 继续努力
Are you still going to tell him
你还打算跟他说
about you know who Yep
-那个人的事吗 -说啊
Are you still going to introduce him
那你还打算引见他吗
Not on your life
这辈子都别想了
By aBu 201705
生活大爆炸 第五季 第二十一集
Please please please
求你了 求你了 求你了嘛
let me meet Hawking
让我见见霍金吧
I told you no
我都说了不行了
But I said I'm sorry
可我都道歉了
No you said "Would it help if I said I'm sorry "
不对 你说的是"要是我道歉 管用吗"
And you never answered me
然后你都没回应我
So who owes whom an apology now
瞧 现在该道歉的是谁
Sheldon you're a condescending jerk
谢尔顿 你是个傲慢的混蛋
Why on earth would I want to do something nice for you
我干嘛要帮你这种人的忙呀
犹太教圣经不包含基督教新约所展现的天堂地狱观
To go to Jewish heaven
死后好上犹太天堂吗
Jews don't have heaven
犹太人没有天堂
Then to avoid Jewish hell
那是为了避免下犹太地狱吗
Have you met my mother
你见过我妈吗吧
I live in Jewish hell
我不住地狱 谁算住地狱
Howard please
霍华德 求求你了
This is Stephen Hawking
这可是史蒂芬·霍金啊
Perhaps my only intellectual equal
也许是唯一一个智商和我相当的人
Oh you can't be serious
你别搞笑了
Try to put yourself in my place
你设身处地地替我想想
Imagine you're the sole human being
假设你的星球都是狗狗
living on a planet populated with nothing but dogs
而你是唯一一个人类
And then it turns out
然后突然发现
there's another human being
这星球上还有一个人类
Hang on
打住
Are you saying the rest of us are dogs
你是说除了你俩 其他人都是狗狗吗
Okay I can see you're going to take this the wrong way
好吧 我就知道你会误解我的意思
Let me try again
我换个说法吧
Imagine you're the sole human being
假设你的星球都是大猩猩
living on a planet populated with nothing but chimps
而你是唯一一个人类
Get out of my lab
滚出去
Oh now they're so much smarter than dogs
大猩猩比狗狗聪明多了
Have you seen them on those little bicycles
你见过它们骑小自行车吗
Get out
出去
How about dolphins
那换成海豚 好不
Out
So come on how was the first day with Hawking
说吧 跟霍金度过的第一天感觉如何
It was great
超赞的
We talked about movies
我们聊了电影
Oh
神啊
I showed him some card tricks
我给他变了几个扑克牌魔术
Oh
神啊
He even let me read a couple pages from his new book
他还让我给他念了几页他的新书
Oh
神啊
Something got you down there bunky
什么事让你这么失望呀 亲爱的
Howard please I'm begging you
霍华德 求求你了
Raj you're our group historian
拉杰 你是咱们这帮人里记性最好的
Has Sheldon ever begged before
谢尔顿以前求过人吗
Three times
求过三次
He begged the Fox network not to cancel Firefly
他求过福克斯电视网不要砍掉《萤火虫》
He begged the TNT network to cancel Babylon 5
他求过TNT电视网砍掉《巴比伦五号》
And when he got food poisoning at the Rose Bowl Parade
他在玫瑰碗橄榄球赛游行时食物中毒
he begged a deity he doesn't believe in
还求过一个他不信奉的神
to end his life quickly
让他死得痛快
Do you understand how important Hawking is to me
你知道霍金对我来说有多重要吗
When I was six years old
我六岁的时候
I dressed up as him for Halloween
万圣节扮的就是他
You're kidding
开玩笑的吧
No sir no I took my dad's desk chair
绝对没有 我拿了我爸的写字椅
attached a Speak & Spell to it
装上一个拼说语音学习机
and made my sister push me up and down the block
然后让我妹妹推我去街上
to trick or treat
讨糖吃
星球大战里的机器人
Granted most people thought I was R2 D2
大部分人都以为我在扮R2-D2
but still I got a lot of candy
但我还是讨到很多糖
You don't seem to be understanding
你好像不太懂
the English word "no "
英语的"NO"
Maybe a different language will help
或者换其他语言比较好
Russian nyet
俄语 Nyet
Chinese bu
中文 不
Japanese iie
日语 いいえ
Klingon qo'
克林贡语 qo'
Binary coded Ascii 0110111001101111
二进制ASCII码 0110111001101111
It's actually 01100111 No
-应该是01100111 -不行
I'm not asking for me
我不是为自己求你
I'm asking for Hawking
我是为了霍金求你
Let me try gangsta Hells naw
试试黑帮用语 去你丫的
Okay look how about this
好吧 要不这样
Just give him my paper on the Higgs boson
把我的希格斯粒子论文给他
If he sees the incredible breakthrough I've made
如果他看出我所做的伟大突破
he'll reach out to me
他会主动联系我
What if he doesn't
要是他不联系你呢
He will he's really smart
他会的 他可聪明了
That's an interesting idea
这个主意有意思
Why don't you give me a minute
要不你给我几分钟
to talk it over with my friends
让我跟我的朋友商量一下
How do I do that You walk away
-我要怎么做 -赶紧消失
Walking away
我这就闪
You do realize you own his ass right now
你要知道 你现在就是他的老大
I do
我知道
You can make him do anything you want
你可以把他当狗使唤
Yeah I know I'm just trying to figure out
我知道 我只是在想
how much I want to punish him
我要把他整得多惨
Well don't be too mean
别太过分 意思一下
Hey fellas
伙计们
I'm thinking about making some freshly brewed iced tea
我想泡点清新冰茶
if anyone would like some
有谁想喝呀
I wouldn't mind a glass
我不介意来一杯
I wasn't talking to you
我没跟你说话
Bring him to his bony knees
整到他求爷爷告奶奶
Sheldon come on back
小谢子 回来吧
Yes yes
来了 来了
What did you decide
您意下如何
I'll give your paper to Professor Hawking
我可以把你的论文给霍金教授
Great thank you
太好了 谢谢
Oh that's terrific
真是太好了
But in exchange I'd like you to do a few things for me
但是 你要为我做几件事作为交换
What kinds of things
什么事
为消除罪业 他要为敌人完成十二项任务
希腊神话中 赫拉因错杀自己孩子而受诅咒
Are you familiar with the 12 labors of Hercules
你听说过赫拉克勒斯的十二伟业吗
Of course
当然
You should be so lucky
那你走运了
All right
好了
What would you like me to do first
你要我先做什么
Well I thought I'd start you off
我觉得我就先让你
by polishing my belt buckles
给我擦皮带扣吧
By all means
没问题
When I was a boy I would polish my Mee Maw's silver
小时候 我会帮我奶奶擦银器
And she would entertain me with stories
她就会给我讲
about growing up in Oklahoma
她在俄州长大的故事
Interesting woman
有趣的女人
She once killed a prairie dog with a gravy boat
有一次 她用肉汁盘子打死了一只土拨鼠
That's nice
真厉害
That's a lot of belt buckles
好多皮带扣啊
Funny thing is I only have one belt
有趣的是 我只有一条皮带
Anyway I'll let you get started
好了 我不妨碍你开工了
Oh by the way
顺便说一下
the little marks uh that look like water spots
上面可能有些看似水渍的点
I tend to stand too close to the urinal so
我小便时习惯靠便盆太近 所以
what you're seeing there is splash back
你看到的那些是溅回来的
You make sissy on your belt buckles
你把尿尿在皮带扣上吗
Mee Maw's forks never had that
奶奶的叉子上绝对没有
Here is a black light to check them
给你个紫外光灯照尿渍吧
And for your own peace of mind
再给你提个醒
紫外光灯还可以识别能够发出自然荧光的精液和其他体液
you might not want to shine that around the rest of the room
最好不要用它来照我的房间哦
Sheldon these look great
谢尔顿 擦得好干净啊
They're like magnificent little crowns
它们就像华丽的小皇冠
to hang over my magnificent little jewels
挂在我坚挺的小宝贝上
How'd you get them so shiny
你怎么擦得这么亮
Oh I I buffed them with Turtle Wax
我给它们上了一层防水蜡
The man down at Pep Boys says from now on
汽车用品店里的伙计说
the urine should just bead up and roll right off
以后溅上去的尿液会直接流下去
Way to go the extra mile
干得漂亮
Your Mee Maw would be proud
你奶奶会骄傲的
My Mee Maw must never know of this
我奶奶绝对不可以知道这件事
Now will you give Professor Hawking my paper
现在能把我的论文给霍金教授看了吧
Oh my dear boy no
小乖乖 当然不可以
Okay
好了
Next
接下来
this is a sexy French maid costume
这是我买给伯纳黛特的
I bought for Bernadette
性感法国女佣装
I thought it might spice things up
我原以为这既能增加情趣
and get her to dust my room at the same time
又能让她帮我打扫房间
but I was wrong and really wrong
可我错了 大错特错
And you want me to return it for you
所以你想让我把它退回去吗
No no no mon petit cherie
不 不 不 我的小可爱[法语]
What are you all staring at
你们看什么看
You ever seen a man try to get a meeting
没见过为了见斯蒂芬·霍金
with Stephen Hawking before
牺牲色相的男人吗
It's not Saturday night
今天不是周六呀
Why are you doing your laundry
你怎么跑来洗衣服了
This is not my laundry
这不是我的衣服
Wow are these Amy's
这是艾米的吗
Kind of trashy good for her
挺狂野的 不错不错
Those are Howard's
那是霍华德的
Why are you washing
你为什么要替霍华德
Howard's man panties
洗他的男士小内内呢
Because if I don't
因为要是我不洗的话
he won't give my paper to Stephen Hawking
他就不把我的论文拿给斯蒂芬·霍金看
He's a famous physicist
斯蒂芬·霍金是个著名的物理学家
I know he's the wheelchair dude who invented time
我知道 那个坐着轮椅发明了时间的家伙
That's close enough
差不多吧
I don't understand
我不懂
why doesn't Howard just introduce you to the guy
为什么霍华德不直接把你介绍给那人呢
Because he's punishing me for being a "condescending jerk"
他要惩罚我这个"傲慢的混蛋"
You don't think I'm condescending do you
你不会也觉得我傲慢吧
Well kind of
有点吧
Oh I'm sorry condescending means
抱歉 "傲慢"的意思是...
I know what it means
我懂好不好
And yes you love correcting people
没错 你超喜欢纠正别人
and putting them down
让人自惭形秽
Au contraire
正相反
When I correct people I am raising them up
当我纠正别人时 我是让他们更进一步
You should know I do it for you more than anyone
你应该最懂了 你可是深得我恩惠
Come on you do it to feel superior
拜托 你只是给自己带来优越感
I see that twinkle in your eye
每次有人犯语法错误
when someone says "who" instead of "whom"
或是把月亮当作行星时
or thinks the moon is a planet
我都能看到你两眼放光
《堂·吉诃德》Don Quixote 音似驴子诃德Donkey Hotay
Or Don Quixote is a book about a donkey named Hotay
或是有人以为《堂·吉诃德》是在写驴子诃德
See there it is
看见没
there's that twinkle
你两眼又放光了
Well I can't help it That's an involuntary twinkle
没办法 我完全是下意识两眼放光
What do you want me to tell you Sheldon
那你想我怎么说 谢尔顿
I want you to tell me
我想听你说
that Howard is being mean to me for no reason
霍华德就是想无故欺负我
Fine Howard is being mean to you for no reason
好吧 霍华德就是想无故欺负你
I knew it
我就知道
What's the matter
怎么了
Every time I spend the night
我每次在你家过夜
your mom slaps me on the behind says "Go get 'em "
你妈都会拍我屁股 说"妹子 上吧"
It's not her fault
这不能怪她
She's getting hormone replacement therapy
她正在接受激素替代疗法
Makes her crazy horny
导致她相当饥渴
Check this out I got Sheldon to wear the Frenchmaid's costume
看 我让谢尔顿穿那套法国女佣装哦
Oh my God that's terrible
天啊 这也太过分了吧
Hey I gave you first crack at it
拜托 是你穿过一次说不要的
Why are you doing that
你为什么要这么做
You're being mean to him
你这是在欺负他
He's mean to me all the time
是他整天欺负我
You've heard him tease me about not having a doctorate
你也见过他取笑我没有博士学位
If you don't want to get teased about that
如果你不想没博士学位被人取笑
get a doctorate
那就去考一个呀
I have one they're great
我有一个 感觉超棒呢
Oh come on the man torments me
拜托 这个家伙一直在折磨我
I'm just letting him have a little taste of his own medicine
我只不过用其人之道还治其人之身而已
It's not the same thing
这不一样
Sheldon doesn't know when he's being mean
谢尔顿意识不到自己的刻薄
because the part of his brain that should know
因为他控制这部分情感的大脑
is getting a wedgie from the rest of his brain
被大脑其它部分给挤扁了
Fine I'll just make him do a couple more things
好吧 我让他再多干几件事
then I'll stop
就收手
No you have to stop now
不 你现在就得收手
Bernadette I want to remind you
伯纳黛特 提醒你一下
you promised to take me dress shopping tomorrow
你答应过明天陪我去买裙子的哦
Oh damn
该死
I'm sorry I can't make it
对不起 我明天有事去不了了
but Sheldon's going to go with you
但是谢尔顿会陪你去的
And that's the last thing you do to him
这是你让他做的最后一件事了
Sheldon
谢尔顿
I need your help
帮我一下
What is it now Mrs Wolowitz
又怎么了 沃罗威茨太太
It's this dress
这裙子有问题
When I put my front in my back pops out
我把胸塞进去 屁股就露出来了
When I put my back in my front pops out
我把屁股塞进去 胸就又露出来了
It's like trying to keep two dogs in a bathtub
简直是一山容不下二虎呀
What do you want me to do
你想让我做什么
We're gonna have to work as a team
我们应该携手合作
Get in here grab a handful and start stuffing
进来 大把抓着 动手塞啊
I'm not sure how to do this
我不太确定该怎么做呢
It's easy just pretend you're putting away a sleeping bag
很简单 就像把用完的睡袋给塞回去
Sleeping bags don't usually sweat this much but okay
睡袋不会出这么多汗 不过好吧
Now zip me up
帮我拉上拉链
Oh if we squeeze you any tighter
再继续挤下去
钻石的形成需要高压推挤
you may turn into a diamond
你就能变成钻石了
You're right who am I kidding
你说得对 我骗谁呢
You should have seen me when I was young Sheldon
你真该见见我年轻的时候 谢尔顿
The fellas used to line up
追我的小伙们
and bring me boxes of candy
排着队给我送糖
Why did I eat it all
我干嘛嘴贱全吃光啊
Would you hold me
可以抱我一下吗
Oh no you know I'm not really the holding kind of
我 我不是那种会抱别人的...
Oh guys I just remembered
哦 差点忘了
I got your ome Hawking souvenirs
我给你们带了几个霍金纪念品
What are these
是什么
Gears and springs from his wheelchair
他轮椅上的齿轮和弹簧
Pretty cool huh
酷吧
Wow that's amazing
太棒了
I made an adjustment on the motor drive
我给他的轮椅制动机做了调整
and when I was putting it back together
之后要装回去时
I could not for the life of me figure out where they went
却想不起这几个零件是装哪的了
I did it
我做到了
Had to go to three clothing stores
跑了整整三个服装店
but we finally found a dress that could envelop your mother
总算找到一件能"装"进你妈的衣服了
I should have sent you
我应该提醒你
to the custom car cover place in Altadena
去阿尔塔迪纳的特制车罩店去买的
They have her pattern on file
他们有我妈的资料
Humorous
真幽默
Now will you please present my paper to Professor Hawking
现在能把我的论文给霍金教授看了吧
I don't know
我不知道
Oh for heaven's sake
老天啊
I did your laundry I pee pee proofed your belt buckles
衣服帮你洗了 你的皮带扣还上了防尿层
I I even sprained my wrist
我为了帮你妈抬高胸部
helping your mother lift her bosom
我还把手腕扭伤了
All right Sheldon
好了 谢尔顿
there's only one thing left I want you to do
你再帮我做最后一个任务
Don't worry it's an easy one
别担心 这个超简单
Okay
好吧
Give me a compliment
夸夸我
Fine
好吧
You have very tiny hands
你的手超小
No about my job
不 是夸我的工作
I want you to tell me I'm good at what I do
夸我工作干得出色
You're obviously good at what you do
你明显干得很出色啊
Well then why are you always ripping on me
那你为什么老是挖苦我
Oh I understand the confusion
我理解你的困惑
I have never said that you are not good at what you do
我从未说过你工作不称职
It's just that what you do is not worth doing
我是说你的工作没价值
It's nicer than anything he's ever said to me
这话可比他对我说的好听多了
I'd take it and run
要我一定会接受
Thank you Sheldon
谢谢你 谢尔顿
Now will you give my paper to Hawking
现在能把我的论文给霍金看了吧
Sorry I can't
抱歉 不能
What why not
什么 为什么
I gave it to him three days ago
我三天前就给他了
He was really impressed
他说了那论文很棒
He wants to meet you
他想见你
All right then
那好吧
Thank you Howard
谢谢你 霍华德
Please let Professor Hawking know
请你转告霍金教授
that I'm available at his earliest convenience
他什么时间想见我 我都有空
I thought he might be a little more excited
我还以为他会更兴奋呢
Give it a second
稍安勿躁
Professor Hawking
霍金教授
it's an honor and a privilege to meet you sir
能见到您真是太荣幸了 先生
I know
我知道
I want to thank you for taking time to see me
感谢您抽出时间见我
My pleasure
我的荣幸
I enjoyed reading your paper very much
我很喜欢你的论文
You clearly have a brilliant mind
你的确是聪明绝顶
I know
我知道
Your thesis that the Higgs boson is a black hole
你那关于希格斯玻色子是个黑洞
accelerating backwards through time is fascinating
且能加速时间反演的理论很厉害
Thank you
谢谢
It just it came to me one morning in the shower
是我有天早上洗澡时突然想到的
That's nice
挺好啊
Too bad it's wrong
可惜是错误的
What do you mean wrong
你什么意思
You made an arithmetic mistake on page two
第二页上有地方运算错误了
It was quite the boner
愚蠢的错误
No no that can't be right
不 那不可能
I I don't make arithmetic mistakes
我不可能会运算错误啊
Are you saying I do
那你是说我有吗
Oh no
不是
no no of course not
当然不是
It's just I was thinking
我只是在想
Oh gosh golly I made a boo boo
天哪 我真的错了
and I gave it to Stephen Hawking
我还把它呈给了史蒂芬·霍金
Great another fainter
老天 又一个晕倒粉