生活大爆炸-S05E12_生活大爆炸

S01

Completely empty box.

空空如也的盒子

If you'd like to examine it...

你们可以检查一下

Mm hmm. Yep.

好啊

I see nothing in this box but a wasted childhood.

盒子里除了空虚的童年时光空无一物

Little snarky there cello Lessons.

吐槽过分了吧学大提琴的

And we have this completely ordinary cylinder.

这里还有一个十分普通的圆筒

If you'd like to examine it...

你们也可以检查一下

Ordinary yet I sense it is

看似普通不过我感觉到它

dripping with magical potential.

隐隐散发的魔力了

Oh dear Lord.

哦真要命

A man pops out for a moment to evacuate his bowels

人家只是走开了一下清了清肠子

and catch up on the adventures of the Caped Crusader

顺便追一下斗篷战士[蝙蝠侠别称]的冒险之旅

only to emerge and discover his apartment

再出来就发现家里

卡巴莱酒馆: 有歌舞表演的酒馆

has been transformed into a cabaret.

赫然变成卡巴莱酒馆了

Sheldon he's just practicing for

谢尔顿他是在为他表弟的

his cousin's birthday party.

生日派对提前排练啦

As I was saying...

正如我所说

empty box empty cylinder

空盒子空圆筒

and... ooh

然后呢

Voila.

瞧啊

I'm telling you dude there's a seat on

我跟你讲哥们霍格沃茨特快的

the Hogwarts Express with your name on it.

车厢中肯定有你的一席之地

This is how you're going to entertain

你就准备用这种方式

your little cousin and his friends

娱乐你的小表弟和他朋友吗

By lying to them

靠蒙骗他们

How is this lying

这怎么能是骗呢

A magic show is an inherently deceitful proposition.

魔术表演本来就是充满了坑蒙拐骗

"This is an ordinary top hat."

"这是一顶普通的礼帽哦"

"You've chosen that card freely."

"这张牌是你随便抽的哦"

"I do not have a set of lock picks lodged in my keister."

"我的屁眼里可没夹着开锁工具哦"

Can't you just enjoy the wonder Sheldon

你就不能享受一下奇迹的瞬间吗谢尔顿

Why must you peek behind the curtain

干吗一定要窥探揭秘呢

Or up the butt

或是窥探人家的屁屁

If we poison the critical thinking faculties of children

跟小朋友说帽子里变出了兔子

by telling them that rabbits come out of hats

将会荼毒他们的批判性思维能力

then we create adults who believe in astrology and homeopathy

他们成年后会相信占星术和顺势疗法

and that Ryan Reynolds was a better choice

导致瑞安·雷诺兹就因此比

卖萌小混混内森·菲利安更适合演《绿灯侠》

Sheldon

谢尔顿

he's just gonna do a few magic tricks for some kids.

他只不过是给孩子们表演一点魔术而已

I really don't think they're gonna end up

不会害那些孩子长大变成

liking the Green Lantern movie.

喜欢雷诺兹版《绿灯侠》的白痴

Don't be so hard on him.

别对他这么凶嘛

It's natural to be a little cranky when you have...

他这么烦躁有情可原因为他...

a quarter in your ear

耳朵里有25美分

Coins lodged in body parts is not a source of amusement.

硬币塞在别人身上一点都不好笑

When I was five Billy Sparks put

我五岁时比利·斯巴克斯将一枚

a Mexican peso up my nose.

墨西哥比索塞进了我的鼻子

Wait wait wait how is that not amusing

等一下这哪里不好笑啊

It's still there.

到现在还没弄出来

Takes me 45 minutes to get through airport security.

害我每次要耗费45分钟才能过机场安检

Look I made Sheldon disappear. Ta da.

瞧我把谢尔顿给变没了

Next time you should open with that.

下次就用把他变不见为开场吧

By aBu 201705

生活大爆炸第五季第十二集

Ooh look who's out on a date.

哎呀那边在约会的是谁啊

Pasadena's favorite power couple Shamy.

是帕萨迪纳市的超人气金童玉女谢米组合

And that is the answer to the question

她刚才回答之前的那问题了

what is wrong with eating at The Cheesecake Factory

"为什么来芝士蛋糕工厂吃饭是错误的选择"

So are we celebrating anything special tonight

今晚是有值得特别庆祝的事情吗

Oh yes.

是的

Our relationship agreement specifies

我们的恋爱协议明确规定了

that the second Thursday of every month

每个月的第二个星期四

or the third Thursday in a month with five Thursdays

如一个月有五个周四则第三个星期四

is date night.

便是约会之夜

That is so hot.

好一段热情如火的感情啊

All right without objection the minutes of the previous date

好了如无异议上一次约会的概要记录

are considered read and agreed to.

就算是已经阅毕并同意通过了

Any new business

有什么新事宜吗

How was your day

你今天过得怎么样

Superb.

棒极了

This morning I made a palindrome

今天早上我用字母麦片

with my Alpha Bits.

拼成一句回文

"Nice hat Bob Tahecin."

"宝宝帽子毛宝宝"

Sounds like you hit the ground running.

听起来你过得挺不错

I have a bit of good news myself.

我自己有一件好消息

My most recent paper

我最近撰写的论文

on how a cooperative long term potentiation

主题是协同性长时程增强

can map memory sequences in dendritic branches

何以找出神经元树突的记忆序列

made the cover of Neuron.

成功上了《神经元》杂志封面了

Ooh Speaking of good news

哦说到好消息

somebody...

人家

just hit 100 Twitter followers.

刚刚有了一百名推特粉丝哦

That's nice.

真好

Anyway I've been dreaming of this day

总之我一直梦想着这一天的到来

for a long time. Yeah me too.

-已经很久很久了 -对啊我也是

Triple digits I'm not gonna lie

三位数的粉丝啊不骗你

it feels pretty good.

这感觉太爽了

Sheldon

谢尔顿

I'm the sole author on a paper being published

我以唯一作者的身份在著名期刊上发表了

in a distinguished journal that may change

自己的论文而且有可能改变

the course of my field.

我研究的这个科学领域

Ooh 101

哎哟 101个了

Air's getting a bit thin up here.

兴奋得都有些喘不过来气了

So are we ready to order

那么准备好点菜了吗

Give me a minute.

稍等一下

I'm gonna go wash up.

我去整理一下仪容

Well that's odd.

好奇怪

We both washed up when we came in.

我们明明进来时就一起去了

It's probably a euphemism for urination.

大概是排尿的委婉说法吧

Sheldon what is wrong with you

谢尔顿你有毛病啊

Not much. Although I can be faulted

没大有当然要说缺点的话

for being overly fond of koala bears.

我就是太过于喜欢考拉熊了

I don't know what it is

我也不知道怎么回事

when they start munching on eucalyptus

每当看到它们在桉树上大嚼特嚼时

I just melt inside.

我整个人都融化了

Okay Amy just told you some exciting news

艾米刚告诉你一个好消息

and you acted like it was no big deal.

而你却表现得毫不在乎

Oh I see why you're confused.

我知道你为什么会困惑

No her news sounded important but what you're forgetting is

她的消息听上去很重要可你忘了

it was an achievement in the field of biology.

那是生物学领域的成就

That's all about yucky squishy things.

都是恶心黏黏的东西

Honey she's upset. You're her boyfriend.

亲爱的她生气了你是他男朋友

You have to at least try to be excited

你至少也该试着

by the things she's excited by.

为她高兴的事而高兴吧

What if they simply don't excite me

如果我就是高兴不起来呢

Well just smile and think about koalas.

那就想想考拉然后笑一个

She'd see right through that.

她立马就能识破

We go to the zoo all the time.

我们经常去动物园

She knows my koala face.

她知道我看考拉的脸

And for future reference it's this.

以备将来参考就是这样

Oh you have a lot of magic stuff.

你有这么多魔术道具啊

Yeah.

对

I started when I was a teenager.

我十几岁就开始玩魔术

I thought I could show a girl a few tricks

当年觉得可以先用小魔术泡妞

and invite her up to my bedroom to see the rest of the act.

再邀请她来房里看更多"好戏"

Did it work

有用吗

Ah let's just say the only wand

这么说吧唯一一"根"

that ever saw any action was this one.

有看到好戏的"棒子" 是这根

Oh look what my mom made us for the act.

看我妈为我们的表演做的

I like the fabric.

这布料不错啊

Where'd she get it

她从哪得来的

Well she cut up one of her old bathing suits.

她把一条旧泳衣剪了

She made these two vests and half a dozen napkins.

她做了这两件背心和六张餐巾

Has she tried on the vest yet

她试了背心吗

I just gave it to her

我刚拿给她

I hope it fits she has a tricky figure

希望能合身她身材不好量

She's short and stacked like me

跟我一样又矮又巨乳

She's not stacked like you Ma She never steps on hers

她才不算巨乳老妈她不会踩到自己的胸

Listen Howie maybe I'm not the best choice

华仔我可能不太适合

to be a magician's assistant.

当魔术师助手

You'll do fine. Hand me those rings

你肯定行把那些环递给我

See You nailed it.

瞧你做得多好

You know i it's just that I'm not that comfortable with little kids.

我只是不太喜欢跟小孩子在一起

Well that's because you haven't been around them much.

那是因为你很少跟他们玩

This is good practice. I mean

这是练习的好机会

you are gonna be a mom someday right

你总有一天要做妈妈的嘛

Yeah sure.

这倒是

I haven't seen this trick in years.

我好久没看过这个了

It's called the dove pan.

这叫鸽子锅

You let everyone see the pan is empty

先让观众看锅是空的

but there's a secret compartment in the lid.

但其实盖子里有个暗格

And then you open it and produce a live...

然后打开变出一个活的...

Don't look in there.

千万别看里面

Oh a little Red Dead Redemption huh

在玩死亡救赎呢

Yes.

对

How come you're not doing a mission

你怎么不做任务啊

You're just wandering around.

只在那闲逛

Had a rough night.

今晚被郁闷了

I thought I'd go for a walk and clear my head.

我想散散步清静一下

Some people go outside and do that.

正常人会出门散步

It's after 9 00 at this hour the streets of Pasadena

已经过九点了这时候的帕萨迪纳街头

are teeming with drunken sailors and alley cats.

到处是喝醉的水手和野猫

You want to talk about it

要不要谈一谈

No.

不要

I think I'll just go in this saloon

我还是进这家酒馆

and drink my troubles away.

借酒浇愁吧

You know digital alcohol is never a solution.

电子酒精是解决不了问题的

What's going on

出什么事了

Hard as this may be to believe

说出来也没人信

it's possible that I'm not boyfriend material.

我可能不是当男朋友的料

Glad I was sitting down for that.

幸好我是坐着听的啊

Did you and Amy get in a fight

你跟艾米吵架啦

Amy had a fight I was being perfectly reasonable.

艾米在吵我可通情达理了

I'm gonna have a whiskey.

我要喝杯威士忌

Do you want anything

你要喝点什么吗

No I can't.

不行酒后不能开车

I'm playing Grand Theft Auto later.

我一会儿还要玩侠盗猎车手呢

Look I'm no expert in women...

我虽然不懂女人

I'll say.

同意

That's not necessary when someone's trying to help you.

人家好心帮你没必要这么损我吧

I'm sorry. It's the alcohol talking. Go on.

对不起酒后胡话你接着说

Sometimes with women you want to listen to what upsets them

有时候你得倾听女人的烦心事

and then show them that you can grow and change.

然后让她们知道你能成长和改变

Nuts to that. What else you got

屁话还有别的招吗

I don't know what to tell you.

我不知道怎么跟你说

Buy her something.

买礼物给她呗

How does that work

这有什么用

Well you skip over any attempt to repair your emotional connection

略过任何修复感情的手段

and you win back her affection with an empty financial gesture.

直接用撒钱来赢回她的爱

Well that approach has Sheldon Cooper written all over it.

这方法完全是我谢尔顿·库珀的作风

Glad I could help. It's appreciated.

-不用谢我 -要谢谢你

And if you ever manage to find a woman again

如果你这辈子能再找到一个女人

I'll be glad to return the favor.

我也很乐意回报你

And now all the rings are

现在所有环都

magically linked together.

神奇地连起来了

My fiance's wearing a magic ring too.

我未婚妻也戴着一个神奇的环

It made all my money disappear.

把我的钱都变没了

Oh ah right.

哦对

昵称来自大魔术师胡迪尼

And now the great Howdini's

现在请看奇妙霍迪尼的

next miraculous illusion.

下一个神奇幻术

When are we gonna have cake

我们什么时候能吃蛋糕

After you've been thoroughly amazed.

等你们完全被惊叹之后

But we want cake now.

我们现在就想吃

Well you're not getting cake right now capisce

现在不给你们吃懂了没

Okay. Okay.

好了好了

Now my lovely assistant is going to bring me

现在我可爱的助手将递给我

an ordinary pitcher of milk.

一大罐普通的牛奶

I know how you do that trick.

我知道这个魔术是怎么变的

Do you know how to pipe down

那你知道怎么把嘴闭上吗

Okay we're going to

好了现在我要把

roll up this newspaper.

这张报纸卷起来

It's a fake pitcher.

那个牛奶罐是假的

You got wax in your ears

你耳朵被耳屎堵上了是吗

The man said it's an ordinary pitcher.

这男人都说了这是个普通的罐子

Howdini.

霍迪尼

Okay we're going to stick this in here.

好的现在我要把报纸塞进这里

And then I'm going to pour in the milk.

然后把牛奶倒进去

I hope this works

但愿这个魔术会成功

because I didn't bring a change of pants.

我可没带多余的裤子来换

Look I Googled it.

你看我谷歌过了

It's a fake pitcher.

那就是个假罐子

That's it.

够了

No cake for you.

你今天没蛋糕吃了

Anyone else want to join the No Cake Club

还有谁也不想吃蛋糕的

She's just kidding boys and girls.

她只是开玩笑而已的孩子们

Everyone gets cake.

每个人都有蛋糕吃

Not him.

他不许

Just give me the pitcher.

把罐子给我

Behold

看好啦

Wrong pitcher.

带错罐子了

I told you I'm not good with kids.

我就说我跟小孩处不好嘛

Yes you did.

的确

Oh I think my crotch is starting to curdle.

我的裤裆好像开始结乳块了

The thing is my mother worked full time.

是这样的小时候我妈工作忙

I had to take care of my brothers and sisters.

弟弟妹妹们都是由我照顾

Yeah so

所以呢

Ugh it was horrible

那简直糟透了

With their snotty noses and their poopy diapers

又得给他们擦鼻涕又得换尿布

and their little shrieky voices always complaining.

整天听着他们扯着嗓子抱怨

"I don't want to get dressed."

我不想穿衣服

"Joey keeps spitting in my mouth."

乔伊老是往我嘴里吐口水

"This isn't the way Mom makes waffles."

妈妈不是这样做华夫饼的

Well okay put your hand in here.

好吧那你就把手放进烤饼机里

Let's see how you like this waffle

看你喜不喜欢这焦手饼

All right settle down.

好了冷静点

Red light.

红灯

Red light red light

红灯红灯

Okay we're fine.

没事儿没撞

I'm sorry.

对不起

I know it makes me sound like a bad person

我知道这话会让我听起来像是个恶人

but I just don't like children.

但我真的不喜欢小孩

Yeah no we all got that.

不这点我们都心知肚明

But don't you think it'll be different

但是你不觉得如果是亲生的孩子

when the child is ours

情况就会不一样了吗

Right when it's our kid that's ruined my body

是啊等咱们的孩子毁了我的体型

and kept me up all night and I've got no career and no future

吵着我睡不了觉害得我没工作没前途

and nothing to be happy about for the next 20 years

而且在未来的二十年里毫无幸福可言

sure that'll be completely different.

情况当然是不一样了

Well yeah.

是啊

I don't think there's anything in this jewelry store

这间珠宝店里的任何一件珠宝

that Amy would appreciate more

都不可能比刚才

than the humidifier we were just looking at at Sears.

看的那台增湿器更让艾米满心欢喜了

Oh my God now I know what I sound like to you

天啊我算是知道我说傻话时

when I say stupid stuff.

你的感受了

Ooh a pocket watch.

怀表

Okay I don't think Amy wants a pocket watch.

好吧我不认为艾米会喜欢怀表

No but maybe she wants a man with a pocket watch.

也许不会但也许她会喜欢戴怀表的男人

Still saying stupid stuff.

还在说傻话

Does she like bracelets

她喜欢手镯吗

Well she's very fond of her silver one

她很喜欢她那个刻着

that says "Allergic to penicillin."

"青霉素过敏"的银手镯

Maybe they have a dressier version of that

没准他们这有差不多但是更讲究点的

Well how are we doing this afternoon

下午好呀

Are we looking for anything special

你们有什么特别的需要吗

Perhaps a ring for the lady

没准给这位美女买个戒指

Trust me we are not a couple.

拜托我们才不是情侣

Excuse me.

不好意思

I don't see why you get to snort derisively and point that out.

该嗤之以鼻的是我吧哪轮得到你

You'd be lucky to land a fella like me.

你要是泡到我这样的男人得谢天谢地了

Fine go ahead.

好吧你说

Trust me we are not a couple.

拜托我们才不是情侣

My apologies. How can I help you today

抱歉有什么可以帮到二位的吗

He's in trouble with his girlfriend

他跟他女朋友吵架了

and needs to buy her a present.

所以想给她买个礼物

Great trouble with girlfriends

好的就是靠着男人买道歉礼物

is what's putting my daughter through USC.

我才供得起我女儿读大学的

Ooh are these real diamonds

这是真的钻石吗

一克拉等于一百分

Yes. Channel set baguettes 20 points total weight.

是的槽镶长钻总重二十分

Remarkable.

真神奇

Diamonds crystallized carbon.

钻石不过就是结晶状的碳而已

Every day people go to the grocery store

人们每天去杂货店

and come home with sacks full of carbon

买回家的也是碳

in the form of charcoal briquettes

只不过是被人丢进烤炉

that they toss in their barbeques and set on fire.

当火源的炭块

But just because you've got some carbon

可你这只不过有几块

with the atoms stacked neatly

分子排列整齐的碳

you expect me to plunk down thousands of dollars.

你就指望我扔下几千美金来买

Actually that's only 750.

实际上售价只有七百五十美金而已

Everything's on sale.

所有商品都打折

Really. Talk to me about that pocket watch.

真的吗给我介绍一下那块怀表吧

I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it.

我还在琢磨那件事呢

I always thought I'd be a dad someday.

我一直觉得我某天会当上爸爸的

Oh me too.

我也这么觉得

You're so caring.

你好有爱

I've often pictured you guiding a young boy into manhood.

我脑海常浮现你把男孩抚育成男人的画面

There you go Howard.

太好了霍华德

Sounds like Raj'll have your babies problem solved.

看来拉杰会替你生孩子的问题解决了

Hey just because a man shows caring for another man

一个男人对另一个男人表示关心

doesn't mean he's displaying the love

并不意味着是在向他表达

that dare not speak its name.

那种禁忌之爱

Did she definitely say she didn't want kids

她明确说了不想要孩子吗

Yeah she doesn't like them.

是啊她十分不喜欢孩子

And from what I saw the feeling was mutual.

据我看来孩子们也不喜欢她

What are you gonna do

你打算怎么办

I don't know.

我不知道

I can't see a life where I don't have kids.

我无法想象没有孩子的人生

I mean people have kids.

谁都有孩子啊

I mean even Donkey Kong had Donkey Kong Jr.

就连大金刚都有个娃小大金刚

皆为经典任天堂游戏角色

So he could teach someone how to kidnap princesses

有个孩子能让他教导如何绑架公主

and throw barrels at Italian plumbers.

和怎么朝那意大利籍水管工丢木桶

皆为大金刚经典游戏内容

绑架公主与朝水管工马里奥丢木桶

You know there's no guarantee even if you have kids

但即使你有了孩子也无法保证

that you're going to like them.

你就一定会喜欢他们啊

Wow that's rough. Where'd you get that

太可怕了你从哪得来这感触的

It's right off the dust jacket of my mom's last book.

我妈最新著作封面上就写了这句话

Maybe me and Bernadette aren't right for each other.

或许我和伯纳黛特不合适

Look Howard I'd say there's a lot of fish in the sea

霍华德虽说海大何患无鱼

but I watched you dangle your hook in the water for years.

可我看着你晃着鱼钩钓了这么多年

Do not throw her back.

千万别放鱼归海啊

I don't want to but this is kind of a deal breaker.

我也不想啊可这事太破坏感情

What's your mom going to say if you call off the wedding

要是你妈知道你想取消婚礼会如何

Oh it'll kill her.

她会气死的

On the other hand if I don't give her grandchildren

但反过来说她要知道以后没孙子抱

that'll kill her too.

也会气死的

So either way on the Mom front I'm golden.

不管怎么说我妈会被气死这事我很有信心

What time did you tell Amy to be here

你跟艾米说让她几点来

8 00.

八点

Sheldon that pocket watch is ridiculous.

谢尔顿你那挂表太可笑了

Nonsense.

胡说

I look like a train conductor.

我戴着就像列车长

Under what pretext did you lure her here

你用什么借口引诱她过来的

I said "Hey want to come over and hang out "

我说想过来坐坐聊聊吗

Good good if you had said something clever

很好你要说了什么有深度的理由

she might've gotten suspicious.

她可能就起疑心了的

What's he doing here

他在这干嘛

Okay he wants to talk to you.

他想跟你谈谈

Well I don't want to talk to him.

可我不想跟他谈

And I'm pretty disappointed in you too.

现在我对你也很失望了

Although we both know that won't last.

虽然我也气不了你多久

Sheldon you're up.

谢尔顿该你了

Thank you.

谢谢

Amy I'd like to apologize.

艾米我想跟你道歉

Your accomplishment was impressive.

你的成就非常惊人

And I'm proud of you.

我以你为荣

We both know that's your koala face. I told you.

-你用考拉脸想糊弄谁啊 -你看吧

Okay look he bought you this.

他给你买了礼物

Jewelry

送我珠宝

Seriously

真的假的

Sheldon you are the most shallow

谢尔顿你是我见过最肤浅

self centered person I have ever met.

最自我中心的人

Do you really think another transparently manipul...

你真的以为你想操纵...

Oh it's a tiara

是个皇冠

A tiara I have a tiara

皇冠我有了个皇冠

Put it on me put it on me put it on me put it on me

给我戴上快给我戴上给我戴上

put it on me put it on me put it on me.

给我戴上戴上戴上

You look beautiful.

戴着真漂亮

Of course I do I'm a princess and this is my tiara

当然漂亮我是公主这是我的皇冠

You were right the tiara was too much.

你说得对送皇冠太过了

Howard Bernadette's...

霍华德伯纳黛特到...

Oh she slipped right by me.

她从我身边溜过去了

Here's your vest back.

我来还你的背心

You should keep it.

你留着吧

You could wear it again sometime.

以后说不定还有机会穿呢

Where

去哪穿啊

I don't know hunting

不知道去打猎的时候吧

Don't forget to talk to her about this mishegas

别忘了跟她谈谈那件疯狂的事

where I don't get grandkids

就是我抱不上孙儿的事

Don't worry Ma.

别担心老妈

I will as soon as I can figure out a way

我会的只要我想出怎么

to bring up such a sensitive issue

跟她提出这个敏感问题

I guess you talked to your mom huh

看来你告诉你妈妈了

I was upset.

我当时很伤心嘛

My mom can be a pretty good shoulder to cry on

我妈强壮的臂弯还是挺适合靠着哭泣的

if the smell of Bengay doesn't burn your eyes.

忽略她灼伤人眼的镇痛剂味道就行了

Look it's obvious having kids is really important to you

显然要孩子这事对你很重要

and I think I came up with a solution.

我想出了一个办法

Really

真的吗

That's great. What

太好了是什么

Well seeing as how I make way more money than you anyway

既然我赚的钱比你多得多

what if I work and you stay home with the kids

让我工作而你在家照顾孩子怎样

Me Yeah.

-我 -对啊

You know you'll watch Barney

陪孩子看儿童节目《小恐龙巴尼》

and pull Cheerios out of their noses

帮他们把卡鼻子里的麦片抠出来

and go on play dates

然后带他们去跟其他孩子玩耍

and I'll work and have conversations

而我出去工作跟我们的同龄人

with people my own age and enjoy my life.

一起聊天享受我的人生

Yeah...

好啊

Yay so we're good.

太好了问题解决了

Yeah we're good.

对没问题了

You know I don't know if this counted as a fight

我不知道这次算不算吵架

but how about some make up sex

不过想要来个吵后滚床单吗

I would love that.

我喜欢

But what is that behind your ear

不过你耳朵后面是什么啊

Oh look it's a condom.

哇是个安全套

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