Hey Bernie

Hey how's my little astronautie hottie

Okay I guess

It's just being cooped up in this

tin can for weeks on end is starting to get to me

Well hang in there You just have a couple more days to go

and then you'll be home I know

I got to get back to work

I love you Love you too

Hey Bernie

Before you go can you do something for me

What do you want me to do

Okay here it is

I really miss gravity

Can you drop something so I can watch it fall

Really you're serious

Okay

Oh baby you're killing me

Hey Sheldon

This came for you today It's from your mom

Thank you Penny

Yeah wait here

For your troubles

Oh boy a whole dollar

Now I can quit my paper route

So what's in it Mmm doesn't matter

Half the time he just ends up playing with the box

Yeah it's journals and research papers I wrote as a child

Aw how cute

Is this like a diary

No that's my potty training journal

Really your potty training journal Yeah

And forgive my crude penmanship

I didn't start typing until I was six

"August 7 8 42 A M

This is humiliating What was wrong with diapers "

There are some charts in the back

where I kept track of shape color and consistency

Disgusting

No what's disgusting is he's still keeping track

Why do you need all this stuff No no no no

Sorry I am glad you asked

Yeah are you familiar with the Higgs boson

Of course it is it's been in the news

And it's a very famous boson

Nice try

Now in 1964 Dr Peter Higgs

accomplished self promoter and physicist

he wrote a paper postulating the existence

of a subatomic particle called the Higgs boson

Now initially the paper was rejected

but recently he was proven right

And now he's on the fast track to win a Nobel prize

Yeah that's basically what I said

The point is

Higgs is being celebrated for work he did 50 years ago

so that got me thinking

perhaps I've already hit upon the idea

that will win me my Nobel prize

I didn't know they gave Nobel prizes

for making boom boom in the potty

You really think there's some kind of scientific discovery in here

Well this box only covers my work through nursery school

There's a good deal more to come

I didn't really hit my academic stride

until I cut out that time suck known as "playing outdoors "

So you're going to spend hours and hours

combing through all this stuff

That's a good point

My time is much too valuable

You know perhaps I should find someone to do it for me

You know someone with a rudimentary understanding of science

but whose real talents lie in menial labor

Not gonna happen

Yeah well if I didn't think you could handle it

I wouldn't be asking

If you want help just hire a grad student

Maybe I could do it

You really

You can assess the quality of my work

Okay um here

I wrote this when I was five years old

"A proof that algebraic topology can never have

a non self contradictory set of abelian groups "

I'm just a blonde monkey to you aren't I

You said it not me

By aBu 201705

All right Ms Jenson

Uh before we begin may I offer you a refreshment

Water coffee tea

a marijuana cigarette

No thanks I'm fine

Now are you sure

Everyone's smoking them

I think they're the best

I don't do drugs

Excellent yeah

That was a ruse

They're not the best

Physics is the best

And by the way coffee was also an unacceptable choice

All right so I see here you're from Des Moines Iowa

Uh you're summa cum laude in theoretical physics

from Stanford University

Oh and two years ago you had a persistent ear infection

I hope that didn't cause any hearing loss

No of course not

How did you know about that

I did a comprehensive background check

Medical records credit reports criminal history

I trust you paid off those parking tickets

Yes I did

Hearing unimpaired good

Look Dr Cooper I really want this position

It would be an incredible honor to work for

a man of your brilliance

Flattery will not get you this job Ms Jenson

It's not flattery if it's the truth

Well thank you Welcome aboard

You talk to Howard lately

Uh yeah last night

He kept making me drop pencils for him

I got uncomfortable

Hey Sheldon hope you're hungry

They're serving macaroni and

cheese

Smooth

Hi Hello

Sheldon aren't you going to introduce us

No I have people for that now

You're up

I'm Alex Dr Cooper's new assistant

Ah congratulations and may God have mercy on your soul

I'm Leonard This is Raj

It's nice to meet you

I'm so excited to be working with Dr

Yeah please reserve chitchat for your breaks Ms Jenson

Yeah FYI there will be no breaks

I should probably get to work

She seems nice

Hey you already got a girlfriend

I call dibs

All I said was "she seems nice "

Yeah well I love her

Hey I wasn't expecting to hear from you today

Everything okay

Uh no not really

What's wrong

Well remember the Soyuz capsule

they were sending to bring us home

It's delayed

We're gonna be here at least another week

Maybe ten days

It's the Russians so you don't know

They left dogs up here in the '60s

Come on Howard

No one's leaving you up there

I don't know how much longer I can take this

I can't sleep

and zero gravity is giving me crazy acid reflux

I'm down to my last three Tums

You're going to be fine

You survived that Weight Watchers cruise with your mom

And they ran out of low fat ice cream on day two

Just calm down and take a few deep breaths

Okay okay

What am I doing I'm using up all the oxygen

If I die promise you'll never have sex with another man

Oh yeah

I'm a man eater now

Okay for the final touch this is an eyelash curler

You just place it on your lashes and squeeze it closed

Oh I don't know

Looks like something used by Tinker Bell's gynecologist

Who I hope for her sake is not Captain Hook so

Who are you calling

I'm going to video chat Sheldon

If my new look leads to phone sex

I'm going to have to ask you to leave the room

Dr Cooper's office

Oh hello Who are you

I'm Alex Dr Cooper's assistant

Can I help you

I'd like to speak to Sheldon

I'm sorry He's asked me to hold all calls

unless you're Stephen Hawking his mother

or himself from the future

All right

Well tell him Amy called Last name

He knows my last name

I'm his girlfriend

We have a contract and everything

I'll send you a PDF

All right I will tell him you called

Hmm that's weird What

Sheldon told me he had a new assistant named Alex

He didn't mention that Alex was a girl

Maybe he didn't notice

You're right

I don't have to worry about Sheldon

No you do not

It's her I have to worry about

Oh Amy really

She is not going to come on to Sheldon Oh really

Look at this face

How can any woman spend eight hours a day

alone with this face and not fall in love with it

Well for starters

at some point that face starts talking

Amy this is crazy

You have nothing to be suspicious about

I'm not suspicious

I just want to stop in say hi to my boyfriend

and meet his new assistant

Can we go now Hang on

What are you doing

Isn't it obvious

I'm spreading my scent to mark my territory

Come on Amy That is not gonna work Really

Because just before you became my best friend

I did this all over your apartment

Has your uh assistant said anything about me

In fact she has

Uh her exact words were "What is that guy's problem "

I'm in her head Let the dance begin

Here's your frozen yogurt Dr Cooper

This should be fun

Half chocolate half vanilla

side by side not swirled Yes

Half a teaspoon of sprinkles Rainbow not chocolate

Two cherries One on top one on the bottom

Stems removed Um

top one yes

I didn't check the one on the bottom

I'm so sorry Dr Cooper

It's all right Alex

I'm not mad at you I'm just disappointed

Wait Alex Do you want to join us

Uh Alex a moment

I need a word with Dr Hofstadter

Do you think it's appropriate for her to sit with us

given her station

Given her what

If I've learned anything from British television shows on PBS

it's that servants dine downstairs with their own kind

What

It's a kindness Leonard

Otherwise you're cruelly tempting them with a glimpse

of a world that's just beyond their soot stained fingertips

Oh sure

Please join us

Oh okay Thank you

So Alex what's the topic of your dissertation

I'm looking for Trojan asteroids

at Earth's L Five Lagrange point

Oh that happens to be

Dr Koothrappali's field of expertise

You two have a lot to talk about

Is that true

Is he all right

No

But compared to your boss

he's the poster boy for sanity

It's okay I've been around scientists all my life

My dad's an astronomer at SETI

Oh SETI the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence

You should introduce him to Sheldon The search is over

So what kind of research are you doing

High energy lasers Ooh Military

Not yet but I can remove unwanted hair from two miles away

You were right

I had nothing to worry about

That skank's your problem not mine

You're very funny Dr Hofstadter Thank you

Aah Cherry stem Cherry stem

How you doing Howie You feeling a little better

Oh a lot better thanks One sec

Listen close I don't have a lot of time

I need you to go to my house

In my bedroom you'll find a model rocket

I want you to take it and bring it back to your place

Okay

Step 2 build a version roughly 14 stories high

Fill it full of rocket fuel and come get me

I'll leave the door unlocked

Howie honey maybe you should talk to someone

let them know you're having a little anxiety

No no I'm fine

No anxiety

We should probably talk in code

From now on "Frog" is me "Sandwich" means you

and "Lemon" means rocket So come on sandwich

build me a lemon 'cause froggy wants to come home

Look at you putting on a brave face

There's nothing to be brave about

Everything's fine Really

I don't know how much you know about primate behavior

but Sheldon's assistant was clearly courting Leonard

Were she a mandrill she would have bent over

and displayed her brightly colored hindquarters

like a big red welcome mat

By the way you try that at the junior prom

you get kicked out

Okay maybe she was flirting with him but who cares

Look I don't even know where my relationship is with Leonard is right now

So says your prefrontal cortex

But meanwhile the limbic system of your brain is calculating

that if another woman is attracted to Leonard

it must be because he's desirable

Well of course he's desirable

I mean he's great

He's smart he's sweet

and ooh in the bedroom whew

let me tell you he really tries

So it doesbother you

Fine it bothers me a little

No You know what This is stupid

It doesn't bother me

Okay it bothers me

But only because she wouldn't stop laughing

Leonard is not that funny

And there you have it

prefrontal cortex reasoning versus limbic lust

If this were a boxing match they might call it

"The thrilla adjacent to the amygdala "

If you were a brain scientist

you would be busting a gut right now

So how was work today

Ah it was all right I guess

Got to Heimlich a cherry stem out of Sheldon

Caught Raj right in the eye

You're kidding

No Raj had to go to the nurse

Wow Anything else

Mmm the nurse is a woman so he couldn't talk to her

She had to bring him a Grover puppet

so he could point at what hurt

Is that it

Isn't that enough

It had the weaponized fruit and a puppet

What more do you want

Oh good Leonard you're here

Science news

This will interest you

And Penny feel free to paint your nails

What do you got

I believe Alex may have unearthed

the grade school science project

that could be my ticket to the Nobel Prize

Behold

"Magnet What Do They Stick To "

If the answer is "Metal " It's not exactly groundbreaking

The original title was "A Rederivation

of Maxwell's Equations Regarding Electromagnetism "

I dumbed it down

because some of the more religious people in town

were starting to say I was a witch

Sheldon thinks the approach in this paper might change the way

we calculate ferromagnetic hysteresis

Oh it's about time I hated the old way

Hi I'm Penny Alex

Uh do you work with Dr Hofstadter

In a way

We've kind of been involved in a five year experiment

Oh Well you're lucky He seems very talented

And I'm sure a lot of people want to work with him

Well a lot of people can't

Come on

Where are we going

My limbic system wants to take your pants off

She seems nice

Notice people on your own time We're working

Hey Howie how you feeling

Better Much better

The other astronauts held me down

gave me a shot

Attention people of Earth

Tonight there will be two moons in the sky

Howie stop that

NASA's watching this

Put your pants back on