生活大爆炸-S07E12_生活大爆炸

S01

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This is nice that we all get to eat together

真好大家能一起吃饭

Absolutely

超棒

Can we maybe put the phones down

大家能放下手机

and have an actual human conversation

来点人类的真实交流吗

We can

可以是可以

but thanks to Steve Jobs

但多谢了史蒂夫·乔布斯

we don't have to

我们不用那么麻烦

Guys guys

各位

you're never gonna believe this What happened

-我要说一件你们不会信的事 -什么事

I just got a part on a TV show

我要在电视剧上露脸啦

Congratulations What That's great

-恭喜你 -太好了

Guys

你们几个

Oh yeah Yay Penny

-好耶 -佩妮真棒

What's the show

是哪部电视剧

Um NC II

叫海军罪案小卖部

NCIS 海军罪案调查处美国知名电视影集

or you know NCSTD I don't know

还是海军罪案性病处之类的

it's it's the one with the letters and I'm gonna be on it

反正就是剧名全是字母的剧啦

That's amazing Yeah

-真是太好了 -对啊

What's your part

你演什么角色

Um I play a customer in a diner

我演餐厅里的客人

and I flirt with Mark Harmon

然后跟男主马克·哈蒙调情

Ooh Mark Harmon

马克·哈蒙

he's a dreamboat

他是个男神啊

So I it's just flirting

就调情戏而已吗

Well yeah Why

是啊怎么了吗

Uh no reason

没怎么

I just think it's sexier when things are

我只是觉得有些事

left to the imagination

在想象时最美

He's wrong

此言大大差矣

第七季第十二集

生活大爆炸

So I I read a study that says a man with a dog

我看到一篇研究说养狗的男人

is three times more likely to get a woman's phone number

要到女生电话的几率比不养狗的高三倍

Is it true even when the man lets his dog

就算那让狗舔舌头上的花生酱

lick peanut butter off his tongue

这男性几率也成立吗

I don't see why not

为何会不成立

If you're really desperate to meet women

如果你真的对女人这么饥渴

and like having food eaten out of your mouth

又喜欢别人从你嘴里吃东西

I could set you up with my mom

我可以介绍我妈给你

Why is that funny

这有什么好笑

That's just unhygienic

这超不卫生

It's a joke

玩笑而已

I don't think so

我不这么认为

I believe that a joke

我认为一个笑话

is a brief oral narrative

是简短的口头小故事

with a climactic humorous twist

带有着超幽默的剧情反转

For example uh Wolowitz's mother is so fat

举个例子沃罗威茨的母亲超肥

that she decided to go on a diet

她决定节食

or exercise or both

或锻炼或双管齐下

See

听到没

The twist is that people don't usually change

反转就是人们通常死性不改

Well they don't

就是不会改嘛

Hey guys don't forget

各位别忘了

my episode's on TV tomorrow night

明晚我参演的电视就播出啦

We'll be there Can we bring anything

-我们会去看的 -要带什么吃的吗

Oh that's so sweet of you

你真是太好了

but I was gonna steal food from here

但我打算从这里顺点吃的回去

You know my treat

你懂我请客嘛

Wait if Howard's mother is coming

慢着如果霍华德的母亲也去

then you should also steal marbles

你就应该还顺点弹珠

Because she's obese

因为她有肥胖症

and hippos are obese

河马也超肥

and in the popular board game "Hungry Hungry Hippos "

而在受欢迎的桌游"饥饿河马"中

they eat marbles

它们吃弹珠

Maybe I need to dumb these down for you

也许我该对你们说傻逼点的笑话

Leonard do you think I'm funny

莱纳德你觉得我好笑吗

不

Do you

你自己觉得呢

I think I'm hysterical

我觉得我超级好笑

I take it back

我收回刚才这句

That was funny

你这句的确好笑

The philosopher Henri Bergson says

但哲学家亨利·柏格林说

it's funny when a human being behaves like an object

当人类表现得和物体一样时就会很好笑

I bet that bit killed at The Chuckle Hut

他这段子在相声秀上肯定火啊

Oh he didn't perform stand up comedy

他不表演单口相声

he was a philosopher

他是个哲学家

You know I think we're zeroing in on your problem

我想我们已经找到你不好笑的问题所在了

Perhaps I'll spend some time

也许我应该花点时间

developing a unified theory of comedy

形成统一的喜剧理论

which will allow me to elicit laughter

可以让我随时激发

from anyone at any time

任何人的笑声

Unless they're German

除非取悦对象是德国人

'cause that's a tough crowd

因为他们的笑点太高了

Are you set on people laughing with you

你要致力于让别人与你共欢笑吗

'Cause if you're cool with at you

因为如果你对被嘲笑没意见的话...

I don't get it

我不明白

Raj when you said you were gonna bring a date

拉杰你说你今晚会带个伴

to watch Penny's thing tonight

去看佩妮的电视剧

I didn't think you meant Stuart

我没想到你指的是斯图尔特

Really

是吗

I never for a second

我从来没想过

thought it'd be anything else

还有可能是其他人

I almost met someone last night but I blew it

我昨晚差点泡到个妞但结果还是吹了

I was walking Cinnamon

我在遛小桂子

and this girl introduced herself

那个女生自我介绍

but she was so cute I panicked

她太可爱了我慌了

and said "Wouldn't it be easier

我说比起交谈

if instead of talking we could just sniff each other's butts "

我们互相闻菊花不是更简单吗

Well Stuart's cute in his own way

斯图尔特也有独特的可爱之处

When I was a baby

我还是宝宝时

my mother called me her little possum

我妈妈管我叫她的小负鼠

Are possums cute

负鼠可爱吗

Not at all

简直是魔鬼

If you're so intimidated

如果你这么害怕

by talking to attractive girls

和美女交谈

maybe you should practice by talking to regular people

也许你应该练习和普通人说话

You mean like fatties and uggos

你是说肥猪和恐龙妹吗

Or maybe just stop talking

或者干脆都别说话了

I'm serious

我是认真的

Go to the mall talk to anybody practice

去商场随便找个人说话当练习

that way when you eventually do talk to a cute girl

这样的话等你真有机会跟一个美女说话

it won't be so scary

就不会觉得那么害怕了

Or just keep dating the possum

或者继续跟负鼠约会算了

Parsa doesn't have those kind of resources

帕尔萨没有那方面的资源

No and that's why he had Erin Pace rewire it

不所以他让艾琳·佩斯重发一遍

I'm so proud of you

我真为你感到骄傲

We haven't even gotten to my scene yet I know

-我都还没有出场呢 -我知道

but you're going to be a TV star

但你即将成为电视明星

and you haven't left me yet That takes guts

而你还没有甩掉我这需要莫大的勇气啊

I don't know about you

我不知道你感觉如何

but I'm very uncomfortable with all this Why

-但这让我感到非常不舒服 -为什么

I've never seen this show before

我之前从来没看过这个剧

and now I'm starting with episode 246

而现在居然让我从246集看起

It's unnatural

这有违自然规律

Just think of the first 245 as the prequel

你就把前面245集当是前传嘛

All right

好吧

Okay shh Guys guys this is it

好啦各位我要出场啦

I guess it's you and me kid

现在就剩咱俩了小姑娘

What are you doing

你有何目的

I'm trying to make peace

我是来讲和的

We're good Good

-我们没事啊 -很好

Really Because Are you kidding me

-真的吗 -开什么玩笑

What's wrong

怎么了

Well the diner scene

餐厅的场戏没了

Where's my diner scene

我餐厅那场戏呢

Well don't ask me

别问我

Until I see the prequel I'm lost

等我看完前传再说我现在迷糊了

No there was supposed to be a big scene with me and Mark Harmon

不对啊应该有一场我和马克·哈蒙的对手戏

but I it's gone What happened

-但不见了 -怎么会这样

They must've cut it

一定是他们剪掉了

Oh Penny

可怜的佩妮

I'm I'm sorry

真为你感到惋惜

That stinks I'm sure you were great

-太过分了 -我肯定你演得很棒

This doesn't make any sense

这不合理啊

I mean I

我是说

I thought I did a a really good job I

我以为自己演得很好我...

Excuse me

失陪一下

I've been studying how to make people laugh

我一直在学习如何逗人发笑

They say that comedy

他们说喜剧就是

is tragedy plus time

悲剧加上时间

Let's tickle some ribs

我们去逗她开心吧

No Dad

不爸

I don't think they cut me out of the show

我不认为他们剪掉我的戏份

because I was too pretty

是因为我太漂亮

No I don't need you to come out

不要我不用你亲自出马

and kick Mark Harmon's ass

毒打马克·哈蒙一顿

Daddy I gotta go

爸我得挂了

I love you Bye

我爱你再见

How you doing

你还好吗

Ugh this is such a disaster

家里都乱成一锅粥了

My parents had all my relatives over

我父母把我所有亲戚都叫过来

They got one of those six foot sandwiches

他们还买了根六英尺长的三明治

and got my brother a day pass out of rehab and

还把我弟弟从戒毒所接出来一天

now he's missing

现在他人不见了

and the sandwich is missing and

那超大根三明治也不见了

They're probably in Mexico by now

他们可能已经到了墨西哥了吧

So humiliating

真丢脸

You still got the part

你还是得到了那个角色

That's a huge accomplishment

那可是巨大的成就啊

Yeah but this was supposed to be my break okay

对但这次本来会是我的突破

People were gonna see me in this show

人们会在这剧中看见我

and it was gonna lead to bigger things

然后会演变成更大的效应

More auditions more parts

更多试镜更多角色

Now none of that's gonna happen

而现在这些都不可能发生了

Honey you only had like three lines

亲爱的你在剧中不过就三句台词而已

That wasn't gonna happen anyway

所以本来这些就不可能发生

Unbelievable Come on

-我信了你的邪 -拜托

no that's not what I meant

不我不是那个意思

Then what did you mean I don't

-那你是什么意思 -我不是...

Look you know words don't always have to mean things

有时候说话不一定非得要有意思

I think you meant that you don't believe in me

我觉得你是说你不相信我的实力

Nope

不是

I might not know what I I meant

我可能不知道我刚是什么意思

but I know that I didn't mean that

但我知道我肯定没有那个意思

Not this guy Oh no way

我绝不会这样不可能

I want you right now

我要你现在

to give me your 100% honest opinion Right

-如实告诉我你真实的想法 -好的

Do you think I have what it takes

你到底认为我有没有能力

to really make it as an actress Yes

-成为真正的女演员 -有

So you think I'll be on TV

所以你认为我能上电视

and in movies and win awards

拍电影并且获奖吗

Honestly Yes honestly

-说实话 -好实话说

I don't

我不这么认为

How could you say that

你怎么能这样说呢

I don't know

我不知道

I got all confused when you said "honestly"

当你说"说实话"时我脑子就不转了

Look do I think that you are talented

我觉得你有演员天赋

and that you are beautiful

你外表出众吗

Of course I do

我当然觉得

But isn't Los Angeles full of actresses

但洛杉矶满大街都是有天赋

who are just as talented just as beautiful

外表出众的女演员啊

All right look we'll come back to that

算了这个晚点再说

No please Don't stop go on

不别停继续说

Tell me how I'm gonna be a waitress for the rest of my life

告诉我老娘这辈子就是服务员的命

That is not what I said

我可没这么说

Look I think you're really good

听着我认为你很棒

I truly do

真心的

But this is an incredibly hard thing that you're shooting for

但是你奋斗的目标实在是太困难了

I mean the odds of anyone becoming a successful actor

我是说普通人想成为成功演员的机会

are like a million to one

实在是难于上青天啊

Wow thank you

谢谢你的"安慰"

Should've let Sheldon come

早知道就让谢尔顿来了

This is interesting

这倒挺有意思的

Apparently a key component in some forms of humor

有某些耍幽默方式的关键

is the element of surprise

就是要让人吓一跳

Well that makes sense

有道理

The prefrontal cortex is responsible for

前额皮质的主要功能就是

planning and anticipation

计划和预测

and patients with brain lesions on their

大脑受到损伤的病患会

Brain lesions

脑损伤

Sheldon you scared me

谢尔顿你吓死我了

That wasn't funny

一点也不好笑

Or maybe you have a stick up your prefrontal cortex

我看是你的前额皮质被棍捅了吧

Okay the notion that you can read a few books

得了吧你自以为读了几本书

and come up with a definitive theory of comedy is absurd

就能找出绝对的搞笑理论也太荒谬了

I mean humor is

真正的幽默是

a complex neurological

神经上错综复杂的

Okay that's pretty good Excellent

-这个挺好笑的 -大功告成

How about her

那个女的怎么样

不行

No pretty girls

不能找太漂亮的

The point is to talk to regular people

我们得先从普通人开始练习

and work our way up to pretty girls Fine

-然后慢慢提到漂亮女孩 -好吧

How about that old lady with the walker

那位带着助步器的老太太怎么样

That depends

这得看情况了

On any level do you think she's hot

在某种角度上看你觉得她性感呢

We'll find somebody else

还是找下一位吧

Kumquat

金橘

I guess

凑合吧

Ointment

软油膏

Sure

行

Now would you say ointment

那么你觉得软油膏是比金橘

is more equal to or less funny than kumquat

更好笑一样好笑还是更不好笑呢

I don't think I want to go out with you anymore

我再也不想和你一起玩了

Will you please stop joking around

你别跟我开玩笑了好吗

I'm trying to figure this out

我可是认真地在比较呢

Sheldon how many words are you gonna go through

谢尔顿你打算还要问多少个词啊

All of them

全部词

You didn't get your part cut

你的戏份没有被砍

All right baby here's the deal

好了宝贝听我说

And you didn't get your part cut

你的戏份也没有被砍

Yep bunch of old guys rocking out in a band

一帮老得不能勃起的老头子

all with erectile dysfunction

蹦蹦跳跳玩乐团

you didn't get your part cut

你们的戏份居然也没有被砍

Can we talk

能和你聊聊吗

We can but the part of Penny might get cut

可以聊但佩妮的部份可能会被砍掉

That was really crappy of me

我之前实在太差劲了

What you're trying to do is hard

演员这一行要出名实在不容易

but people do make it

但也有人成功过

and I really do believe you could be one of them

我发自内心地相信你也能是成功的一员

Thank you

谢了

And

而且

to show you how much I believe in you

为了表示我对你有信心

I kind of got you an audition

我帮你争取到了一个试镜机会

Are you serious For what

真的吗什么戏

The new Star Wars movie What

-最新的《星球大战》电影 -什么

How did you manage that

你怎么办到的

There's this thing online you put yourself on tape

现在正好有个网上活动自己录一段影

and just send it in anyone can do it

发送过去任何人都有机会

Come on Leonard this is just a PR stunt

拜托莱纳德这不过是宣传的噱头而已

So Even if it is you have a huge advantage

那又怎么样就算是噱头你还是有优势啊

because you're an actual actress

你可是货真价实的女演员呢

Most of the people doing this are just weirdoes and nerds

其他参加试镜的都是些怪咖和宅男

Wolowitz sent his in two days ago

沃罗威茨前两天就把他的录像发过去了

Really let it go

够了别说这事了

Look maybe it is a long shot

听我说也许这事希望渺茫

but sometimes long shots happen

但有时皇天不负有心人

Luke Skywalker was only given one chance

卢克·天行者只有一次机会

to destroy the Death Star

毁灭死星

He had to get a torpedo into an exhaust port

他必须把鱼雷投进一个废气口

that was only two meters wide

可气口只有2米宽而已

but with the help of The Force he

但在原力的帮助下他终于...

Wow I can feel you hating me right now

我感觉到你对我的恨意

How about that lady in the sweat suit speed walking

那边穿着运动装快走的女士怎么样

Yeah she seems friendly and easy to

她人看着挺和善挺容易

Never mind she's gone

没戏了她走得不见人影了

Yeah maybe talking to people is too hard

看来和人交流还是太难了

We could go over to that department store

我们可以去百货商店

practice on the mannequins

用人体模特进行练习啊

I don't know

不知道

They're dressed very stylishly

那些模特穿得很有型

They're probably stuck up

估计个性也是跩翻天

This is ridiculous

这一切太荒唐了

The next person that walks by

下一个走过来的人

no matter who it is they're the one

不管是什么人都是我们的交流对象

We're gonna die here

我们这辈子注定死在这里了

Hello Hey

-你们好 -你好啊

Where's Sheldon

谢尔顿呢

He's home trying to use science

他窝在家里努力用科学的方法

to determine the basis of humor

研究幽默的本质呢

That's interesting It's exhausting

-那可挺有趣的 -是累死人才对

Do you have any idea how hard it is

你们知道一个"敲敲门笑话"

to laugh at a knock knock joke that starts with

以谢尔顿的方式来讲会有多难笑吗

"Knock knock knock Amy

"敲敲敲艾米"

knock knock knock Amy knock knock knock Amy"

"敲敲敲艾米敲敲敲艾米"

If you want him to stop

你想让他闭嘴

sometimes the easiest thing to do is just fake a laugh

有时候假笑几声就是最简单的办法

Fake a laugh

假笑

Do you ever do that with me

你这招也用来对付过我吗

No of course not

当然没有啦

Well I'd be able to tell anyway

反正我能看得出来

I don't think you would

我不觉得

Please I've made plenty of girls laugh

拜托我曾逗得大把女生笑得花枝乱颤

sometimes just by asking them out

有时候约她们出去就超级有笑点了

Yeah Well I fake my orgasms

你就假笑吧我还假高潮呢

Yes how much for a hundred long stemmed red roses

一百朵长茎红玫瑰多少钱

Really

真的吗

How much for three

三朵呢

Yeah I'll call you back

我等下再打

Look I know you were just trying to help

我知道你是想用《星战》什么的

with your Star Wars thing

来鼓励我

I didn't mean to call it idiotic

我不是有意评价为"白痴"的

Well I don't think you called it idiotic

我想你给出的评价不是"白痴"

Sorry I meant to

抱歉我本来想评价为"白痴"

Anyway um I was just upset with myself

总之我只是跟我自己过不去

I wasn't mad at you

我并没有生你的气

I just feel like everything is falling apart

我只是觉得人生支离破碎了

Come on It's okay

别这样没事的

No it's not okay Look at me okay

不有事看我混的

I took a temp job as a waitress forever ago

多年以前打了份服务员的临时工

and I'm still doing it

现在还在做

I can't quit because guess what

我不能辞职猜猜原因

I can't do anything else

其它工作我都做不了

And I finally get my big break

我终于等来了事业大转折

and it goes away

结果机会就这样没了

I'm such a mess

我太失败了

No you're not Really

-你不失败 -是吗

'Cause this morning at Starbucks

今天早上在星巴克

a pair of old underwear fell out of my pant leg

一条脏内裤从我裤管里掉了出来

And it wasn't the only one in there

只掉了一条里面还有

Okay listen to me this is just a minor setback

听我说这只是一点小挫折

No it's not okay

这不是明白吗

I've been out here for like ten years

我已经离家十年了

I've nothing to show for it

我依然一无所有

Well you have me

你有我啊

You're right

你是对的

I do have you

我的确拥有你

Let's get married

咱们结婚吧

What

什么

Leonard Hofstadter

莱纳德·霍夫斯塔德

will you marry me

你愿意娶我吗

Did you seriously just say "Um"

你刚才那一声是在犹豫吗

Look you know I love you

你知道我爱你

but but you're you're drunk and sad and feeling lost

但你喝醉了一时伤心迷惘

Okay so so you don't want to marry me

好吧你不想娶我吗

That is not what I said

我不是这样说的

No forget it I take it back Offer's off the table

算了我收回求婚就当我没说过

Who's in the mood to laugh

谁想好好乐一乐

Really not a good time

真的不是什么好时机

But I used science to construct the perfect joke

但我运用科学构建了最完美的笑话

I'm gonna go Penny don't

-我走了 -佩妮别走

No no I just need to be alone

不我要一个人安静下

经典笑话段子的开头大合集

So a sandwich a rabbi

三明治犹太牧师

and yo mama walk into a bar

和你老妈走进一间酒吧

Where are you going To my room

-你去哪里 -我的房间

Should I follow you No

-我应该跟着你吗 -不用

Leonard wait What

-莱纳德等等 -什么事

I forgot to tell you the sandwich is promiscuous

我忘了告诉你这三明治很淫乱

How about those guys on that bench over there

那边长凳上的家伙怎么样

They look pathetic

一脸悲催样

I bet we could talk to them

我打赌和他们有共同话题

That's a mirror

那边是镜子

Oh yeah

是的

Hey fellas mall's closing

小伙子商场要关门了

Sorry Yeah Good night

-抱歉 -晚安

Uh excuse me

打扰下

Yeah

什么事

Uh do do you like being a mall security guard

你喜欢做商场保安吗

It's all right

还行

Okay nice talking to you

和你聊天很开心

Smooth

高手啊

Can't sleep

睡不着吗

睡不着

Would you like to talk about it

想聊聊吗

Penny proposed and I didn't say yes

佩妮向我求婚我没答应

Why not

为什么

That's a good question

问得好

Does that mean the relationship is over

这意味着你们分手了吗

I don't know

我不知道

Why don't you ask her

你为什么不问她

Because I'm afraid to know the answer

因为我害怕知道答案

I'm sorry

太遗憾了

That's it

就这样吗

You're not gonna make some dumb joke

你不打算来一个蹩脚笑话

or some inappropriate comment

或是发表令人哭笑不得的评论吗

不

You're my friend and

你是我的朋友

I'm sorry

我为你惋惜

Did you just put a "Kick me" sign on my back

你刚在我背上贴了一张"踢我"的字条吗

没

That wouldn't be funny at all

那样怎么会好笑呢

Star Wars audition take one

《星战》试镜第一拍

starring Howard Joel Wolowitz

霍华德·乔尔·沃罗威茨饰演

real life astronaut

我是货真价实的宇航员哦

Vader is here

维达在这里

now on this moon

现在在这个月亮上

I felt his presence

我感觉到了他的存在

He's come for me

他冲我来了

He can feel when I'm near

我在附近他就会感觉到

How many times do I have to tell you

要我跟你说多少遍

to replace the toilet paper when it's empty

厕纸用完了就得补充新的

I'm in the middle of something So am I

-我有重要事正忙到一半 -我也是